Close Encounters of the Chuck KindThis is a record of all the ways Chuck has contacted me since I lost him
on September 4, 2002. The most recent contacts are at the top, so if you
are new to this journal, read it bottom's up!
Things to look for as a Chuck Encounter!
Year 1: 112 ways Chuck told me that he's still around and cares. (Sept 4, 2002 - Sept 3, 2003)
|Mon Feb 27 2006||Creaky Encouraging||Was up at midnight to sign up for the motorcycle class. Things weren't going well and I was ready to quit and go to bed. The monitor in the corner creaked at me. Chuck telling me it would
be ok? I talked to him for a minute, sent up to bed. The bedroom monitor creaked too. I think we was saying "It's ok." (and it was - Jim got on to sign us up at 3 am)
This morning radio was Norah Jones - What Am I To You. Told Chuck he was important to me, I loved him. Monitor creaking at me now as I'm writing this!
|Sat Feb 25 2006||Love, Far, Don't Forget||Radio on with New Order - Love Vigilantes. Then Dire Straits - So Far Away From Me. Then "Don't you forget about me." I love you and miss you Chuck.|
|Thu Feb 23 2006||Skating By||Watching the Olympics, figure skating. Getting into one of the performances and the ceiling fan light went on by itself at a dramatic spot in the music. I laughed and said "Hi Chuck! Are you enjoying skating too?" Later I thanked him for watching with me.|
|Wed Feb 22 2006||Free?||Woke up with Sting song running around my head - If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free. Not sure if Chuck wants to set me "free" or if he wants me to set him free? Upsetting either way. I don't think it's really an option! I still love him, and I had asked him to wait for me in heaven. Unless he doesn't want to visit me anymore? :-(|
|Mon Feb 20 2006||Beatles||Beatles song on the radio. Sleepy, so it left my memory before I could write it down. But it was from Chuck.|
|Mon Feb 13 2006||Off to Work||Started driving to work and absently turned down 120 instead of continuing on Darrell. I thought "why did I do that?" Get up to the light at 12 and see the car in front of me had the
license "CHUCK 91". I smiled and said, oh, you made me turn, huh?
Later on in the drive I found myself behind a van with the license "44". Chuck definitely drove in to work with me this morning.
|Sun Feb 12 2006||Sad in Heaven?||Woke up before the alarm with Police song, Every Breath You Take, running thru my mind. Then Breakfast with the Beatles came on with Yesterday. Snoozed.
On again with John singing Yer Blues. "Yes I'm lonely. Wanna die..." I didn't think you would feel so sad in heaven. Chuck still misses me and I still miss him.
Tonight I was attempting to get started on my taxes. Had set up a new printer and tried to get wireless networking done. I'm being brain dense right now! There was something I selected during all of this that I knew Chuck liked. I smiled and said "You like this." And my monitor creaked at me a few times. I said "Hi Chuck!" And thought happy thoughts to him. Rats! I wish I could remember exactly what it was - wasn't 1/2 hour ago that it happened! D'oh!
|Sat Feb 4 2006||Surfing and Bargains||Was in the office with Jim and Christine looking online at waterfalls. Monitor in the corner creaked away at us. I thought "Hi Chuck! Do you like these waterfalls?
Or do you think we're funny surfing?"
Later that day, Jim and I were in Circuit City and he was looking at games. He had a series bargain set and was saying what a good deal it was. Turned it over and I read on the back that it "included CZ". I thought that was a very cool sign Chuck! Smiled a lot.
|Thu Jan 26 2006||Service Reminder||Had been trying to remember to take my car in for an oil change. On the radio was an ad that said to bring your car in to the dealer for service. Thanks for reminding me Chuck!|
|Sun Jan 22 2006||Another Man||Beatles on the radio, No Reply. "You were hand in hand, with another man, in my place." I know Chuck is sad about Jim. But he also is glad that I have someone.|
|Wed Jan 18 2006||Lucky Lucky You||First song I heard this morning was Franz Ferdinand, Do You Want To. "I want to make someone love me...I think it will be you...Lucky lucky lucky you.
This was such a cute song, it made me laugh.
Trying to go thru stuff in the office. Was flipping thru discs of lots of software Chuck worked on at Viacom. One of the monitors happily creaked at me when I came across an Exodus CD mixed in. I laughed and said I wouldn't throw it out, and I'd set aside the discs for Brad.
|Mon Jan 16 2006||After the Rain||Sting song this morning - After the Rain Has Fallen
After the rain has fallen
After the tears have washed your eyes
You'll find that I've take nothing, that
Love can't replace in the blink of an eye
After the thunder's spoken, and
After the lightning bolt's been hurled
After the dream is broken, there'll
Still be love in the world
Made me a bit sad.
|Sun Jan 8 2006||Calico Skies||Radio on with Paul McCartney Calico Skies. "I will hold you for as long as you like.
I'll hold you for the rest of my life."
Later while driving around, we saw a car get absurdly stuck in a parking lot. We were laughing and it finally turned around and I saw it was a CZ plate. Thank you for the giggle Chuck!
|Wed Jan 4 2006||Multi-Tunes||Woke up before the alarm with a Beatles song running thru my mind - I'll get you, I'll get you in the end.
Then alarm off with the Police - So Lonely. Snooze. Then end of Pink Floyd - Home, home again. I wish I could be there, but I can't.
I just want to make everything ok Chuck. You know I will always love you, no matter that you are there and I am here.
|Thu Dec 29 2005||Suite Judy||Alarm on with Crosy Stills Nash, Suite Judy Blue Eyes. "You are free. I am crying. But I still love you." OMG, I am just devastated.|
|Wed Dec 28 2005||Happy Devprogrammers||Chuck sent Happy New Year wishes to the programmers group today. We got an email from "Chuck" to the devprogrammers. The subject line was Happy New Year's wishes to devprogrammers. Then the message was for "intimate enhancement". I can just see Chuck giggling about that. Then every time "IT" was in the message, it was highlighted and in red! I got such a warm happy feeling when I read it.|
|Fri Dec 16 2005||7 Years||Jim had come home and I woke up a little. Was going back to sleep and I suddenly had wave after wave of communication flow, very strong and intense. I kept telling Chuck I love you, as strongly as I could.
I was laughing. Then it felt like the flow was trying to hug me. I tried to hug back and the hugs got stronger and better defined. Then Chuck was laying in bed beside me. I was so delighted I just about
screamed. We smiled huge smiles at each other for a moment and hugged and kissed. He looked like he did in about 1999 or early 2000. I think he liked the way he looked then - he appears to me like that a
lot. He wore jeans and one of the Tennessee Harley shirts, but I couldn't tell if it was the blue or green. Those washed out colors are really close.
We hugged and giggled for a bit and I kind of rolled on top of him. I said I love you. He got kind of quiet and said no you don't. I got a little upset and said of course I do, that has never changed. I then was trying to convince him that I did indeed love him. You always had to hit Chuck over the head to convince him of something if he thought differently!
I know he felt that way because I am dating Jim. Then we had a discussion about me dating again. He was sad. I asked him if he thought I shouldn't be dating anyone ever again. I could tell he was tempted to say yes. And then he said not for 7 years. I said 7 years??? Oh come on! You don't really mean that. Then I asked him if he wanted me to kill myself to be with him, and he didn't say anything. I said you really want me to do that? Still nothing. Then I told him about what I read about killing yourself - that it takes your soul a long time to recover and it hurts your soul. He was startled and asked where I read that. I asked him, "Didn't you know that already? Is it true?" He wouldn't answer and looked uneasy. I said I know there are a lot of things you're not supposed to tell me. Then I told him a bunch of times I loved him and always will and asked him to wait for me. He seemed to feel a bit better about things and got up and walked around the room, into the bathroom. It was like he was enjoying visiting his house.
Jim was down the hall and looked into the bedroom to see who I was talking to. Chuck peeked out of the bathroom and they saw each other. Jim said "Oh" and went into the exercise room. I nervously asked Chuck if I should go say something to him or introduce them. He said maybe later. We were both smiling and happy again. I was asking him a bunch of questions. How was he doing? Is he ok? I asked if he could hear me when I just talked to him, and he surprised me by saying not really. I said Oh, I thought you could hear me! I asked him if he watched us a lot down here and kept up on what was going on. He said not really. I was surprised again. I said so much has happened, people have died. He looked at me expectantly and I couldn't remember who died. So I told him, here's something - Tommy is back with Anette! He was a little amused. But it wasn't as big of a reaction as I expected.
Then Oreo came down the hall and into the bedroom. Right up to me and leaned on my leg and looked up at me smiling, tongue hanging out. I was so happy to see her! I petted and petted her head and back, and her tail was going crazy. A lady walked in and said "There you are" to Oreo. She said "Someone owned her before I did." And I said it was me. I leaned over and Oreo licked my face over and over. Puppy kisses! The lady said "I can tell." I said "I'm the one who gave her to you. Don't you remember?" And after a minute, Oreo left with the lady. I was a little sad to see her go.
Then Chuck and I enjoyed each other's company again. We weren't really talking, just standing nearby, enjoying that we were spending time together. Then Jim walked down the hall and into the bedroom, but he had turned into Jeff. He sort of reached out his hand and I said, "Jim, this is Chuck, Chuck, Jim" and introduced them. I was a bit anxious. They both sort of held out their hands and missed a couple of times when they tried to shake. They finally briefly connected, and all 3 of us looked sad. Then Jim/Jeff left down the hall. Chuck and I hung out a little longer. We weren't so happy now. I did tell him I didn't want to say goodbye, and I hoped he wasn't saying goodbye to me. I felt that he was leaving, the dream was fading. I could feel love and sadness too. I don't like to think Chuck is sad. It tears me up.
|Thu Dec 15 2005||I To You||What Am I To You by Norah Jones on at the alarm today.|
|Wed Dec 14 2005||A Little Assist||Sting song on the radio when I woke up. "If I built this fortress around your heart."
I didn't write this down right away this morning. Laying in bed tonight trying to remember the song. Finally asked Chuck, "What was the song you played for me this morning?" It popped right into my mind! I said thank you Chuck!
|Tue Dec 13 2005||Things Get Broken||Alarm played Fleetwood Mac for me. Dreams. Hit the snooze. THen it was Depeche Mode - Precious. "Things get damaged, things get broken...words left unspoken...I wish I could take your pain." Sad morning.|
|Mon Dec 5 2005||2 CZ's||Been thinking about Chuck quite a lot this week. Driving in I was treated to a CZ license plate. That did make me smile. Then I looked thru my morning email. I had an interesting spam. The subject line was CZ. It was about changing careers. Maybe Chuck is giving me a hint about that?|
|Wed Nov 30 2005||Song Fest||All day songs have been popping into my head. Genesis - No Reply, some song about going away/leaving, the Police - Every Breath You Take. It feels like Chuck is very unhappy. I think he thinks I'm not listening to him any more. This is not true. I still have a large part of my heartache over him leaving. I still tell him often that I miss him and I love him. But it is true that I don't have contact with him as often or as intensely as it used to be, for whatever reason.|
|Wed Nov 9 2005||September Again||Radio on with Wake Me Up When September Ends, again. Then I turned on the tv to an acne ad. Chuck showing me he knows I'm upset about my skin? Flipped the channel and it was Jeffrey Levine, the father's rights lawyer that screwed Chuck over.|
|Wed Nov 2 2005||White Knight||Woke up in the middle of the night with a Monkees song floating thru my brain - Daydream Believer. "You once thought of me as a white knight on a steed." "Cheer up sleepy jean."
Then alarm went off with Green Day, Wake Me Up When September Ends. That song always hits me hard. I still miss you incredibly much Chuck. Can't even express it.
|Thu Oct 27 2005||Faith||Sting song this morning, If I Ever Lose My Faith In You. Made me cry. Told Chuck I loved him and missed him.|
|Tue Oct 18 2005||Tug Of War||Was falling asleep, laying on my tummy. Felt the wash of communication tingle flow over me. I was so happy. I hadn't heard from Chuck in a while. I told him I loved him and missed him. I asked him how he was, and felt the flow intensify and feeling of happiness. I asked him some things I don't remember. Then I asked him what he thought of Jim. Flow dropped down to almost nothing. I could tell Chuck was sad. I'm not sure if he was sad because I'm seeing someone, or sad because he wasn't with me. I told him, you know I still love you. Flow picked up again. He knows I still love him. Then I felt a presence at the opposite side of the bed. Like someone was standing there. I couldn't turn my head to look, so I threw out my arm to try to touch Chuck. He held out something and I grabbed it. We played tug of war and were soundlessly laughing together. I had to be asleep at this point cause then Chuck moved closer and flopped onto the bed. But it wasn't Chuck, it was a rock singer, Billy Corgan. But it was Chuck inside. I knew it was really Chuck. We laughed and talked together for a while. I was so happy we had a nice long visit. I can't remember what we talked about, but it had to do with me trying to make sure he was ok. I still miss Chuck every day.|
|Tue Oct 4 2005||Hmmm?||Was sleeping soundly. Dreaming, but nothing I remember. Someone clearly whispered my name in my ear. I immediately woke up and said "Hmmm?" And then instantly was wide awake when I realized no one was there. It felt like someone had been standing by my bed, leaned over and whispered in my ear. Not 100% sure it was Chuck. I couldn't tell whose voice it was. But I felt a rush of sadness after I was awake.|
|Sat Oct 1 2005||Vegas Stones||Cheryl Crow song at alarm time. "I'm leaving Las Vegas. I'm leaving for good." Not sure about the meaning of this. I watched the tv show Las Vegas last night, so maybe Chuck was being cute. As the next song came on, I thought to myself, if the next song was a Stones song, Chuck definitely had a hand in this morning's wake up. Then I had a strong feeling that it would be a Stones song next. Sure enough, it was. Their new one, Rough Justice. I smiled and told Chuck I've been thinking a lot about him. I love him and miss him.|
|Wed Sept 28 2005||On Your Own||Was thinking yesterday about going and talking to a counselor. I'm still depressed off and on. Radio came on with U2 "Sometimes you can't make it on your own." I guess Chuck is encouraging me to do this too. As the song ended, the monitor creaked for emphasis!|
|Sat Sept 24 2005||Get It Right||"How long till my soul gets it right? Can any human being reach that kind of light?" Indigo Girls with the alarm. Powerful song. I wonder if Chuck is commenting on things he's learned. Or if he's telling me he has to come back.|
|Thu Sept 22 2005||Repair forcast||Woke up at 5 am cause it was thundering and lightning. Raining like crazy. The satellite repair guy was coming and I was worried he'd have to reschedule if it was raining. The monitor creaked at me a bunch of times. I felt reassured. Chuck telling me it would be ok. And it was. It was bright and sunny when he showed up.|
|Sat Sept 17 2005||Good To See You||Morning song from the radio was Cheap Trick. "So good to see you. I couldn't wait another day." I thanked Chuck for visiting and caring about me. Told him I loved him and missed him.|
|Mon Sept 12 2005||Cold Day||Radio on this morning with Foo Fighters, Cold Day in the Sun. Song made me sad.|
|Sun Sept 11 2005||Running Figure||Laying in bed, getting sleepy, almost nodding off. Out of the corner of my eye saw a figure run out of the bathroom, pause and look at me, and run back into the bathroom. He looked like Chuck. At least as best as I could tell since he moved so fast. He was transparent. Lookde like he was kind of displacing the air as he moved. There was a rippling around him. I tried to get myself back into the same sleepy state to see if I could see him again, but it felt like he was gone. I told Chuck I loved him and missed him.|